AUTHENTIC ADULT WOMAN

MORE WINGED MIRACLES

Our mimosa tree is alive with hummingbirds, finches nest in the cottonwood, doves crowd together on the power line, a song sparrow trills from the top of a sage bush on the ranch, a white egret stalks silently in the tall grass then rises suddenly to fly off on wide wings, plump quail mothers trail their babies - the size of walnuts 

I'm mesmerized by these mysterious miraculous creatures

THE BEAUTY OF BIRDS

THE COMPLEXITY OF TRANSPARENCY

Sixty three years ago THIS POEM by Conrad Aiken struck me as a profound truth!  

I was 17 -- preparating for the Bryant Oratorical Contest.

My talk was called Poetry and Music.  

 

The House Of Dust: Part 4 -- Conrad Aiken 

Well, as you say, we live for small horizons: 
We move in crowds, we flow and talk together, 
Seeing so many eyes and hands and faces, 
So many mouths, and all with secret meanings,— 
Yet know so little of them; only seeing 
The small bright circle of our consciousness, 
Beyond which lies the dark. Some few we know— 
Or think we know. . . 

 

Once, on a sun-bright morning, 
I walked in a certain hallway, trying to find 
A certain door: I found one, tried it, opened, 
And there in a spacious chamber, brightly lighted, 
A hundred men played music, loudly, swiftly, 
While one tall woman sent her voice above them 
In powerful sweetness. . . .Closing then the door 
I heard it die behind me, fade to whisper,— 
And walked in a quiet hallway as before. 

Just such a glimpse, as through that opened door, 
Is all we know of those we call our friends. . . . 
We hear a sudden music, see a playing 
Of ordered thoughts—and all again is silence. 
The music, we suppose, (as in ourselves) 
Goes on forever there, behind shut doors,— 
As it continues after our departure, 
So, we divine, it played before we came . . . 
What do you know of me, or I of you? . . . 
Little enough. . . .We set these doors ajar 

Only for chosen movements of the music.

 

♥

 

 

 

 

Since then I have often pondered the 

complexity of transparency >

 

I can't know now why I was so affected by those lines back then, but I guess I've always wanted to know and be known --

to the greatest extent --

by those I love.

 

At the same time I realize that we don't even know ourselves entirely --

let alone one another - no matter how close we are.

 

The best we can do is to practice transparency and allow the vulnerability of disclosing more of ourselves as we discover more.  

 

 

 

 

And that is surely the key - the willingness to be vulnerable - to allow ourselves to be truly known --

at least by those we trust.

 

What a relief 

 

What a scary but powerful doorway to intimacy!

Related articles

Voluntary Vulnerability

Old Age Attitudes

Back to the Sinful City

CASTING A LONG SHADOW

MY SHADOW WAS LONG THIS MORNING -- and I couldn't help but think of what long shadows we cast in our lives . . . the unconscious consequences of our actions, good and bad, that linger on behind us. Something we said, or did that affected others in ways we couldn't/didn't know then.

I'm thinking about SHADOW in the psychological sense -- unknown aspects of our personality, often denied, somtimes carrying unlived creative potential -- generally seen by others but not by us -- shadows we have cast by our words and behaviors.

For example, I wish I had known or understood the shadow of sadness I cast over my mother by staying away from her for so long. I had to do it for my own soul's sake, but I wish I could have done it more lovingly.

Only now do I realize the 'positive' shadow left behind by my teaching. I'm surprised when old students still remember some 'pearl of wisdom' dispensed by my much younger self. 

Some of my darker shadows still haunt my dreams . . . images of betrayal or indifference  . . . and I wake, remorseful about the unintentional impact of those words or deeds.

But today, seeing my long shadow IN FRONT of me . . . I feel forgiveness for myself.

My younger self was driven mostly my own loves, losses, and other 'first half of life' issues.

I was unaware of how my shadowy actions were perceived by friends and loved ones.

 

I like being more conscious now, more responsible, and more forgiving

Older.  Perhaps wiser?

 

WEIRD & WONDERFUL WOOD

I'm all caught up in the beauty of old wood . . . so yesterday I went down to my wood shop on the garden level of this old house and took pictures of some of my fabulous 'finds'

to share with you.

This huge chunk of semi-rotted wood came from a vacant lot . . . looked like it'd been in a fire and pieces of the inner part have fallen out. It is 7" thick and 30" in diameter.  

I loved it. And lugged it home.

It sat here for years waiting to be admired. One day I found this brittle old root to add to the picture, below, and later the sea star and a dry and gnarled twist of kelp!  

Weird and wonderful.