I SUFFER from a serious sense of guilt. I dream about past failures and 'sins'. Mostly about stuff I can't do anything about now. Some of the victims of my insensitivity are dead. So there is no point in going back to 'make amends', as they say.
For example, it still breaks my heart to think I abandoned Louis, the precious cat I raised from a tiny kitten.
He was a wee stray covered with fleas and shivering in the rain. I loved him from the start. He lived with me for 4 years in a charming loft overlooking Seattle and Mount Rainier.
We played together in the grassy backyard and he curled in my lap when sat down to read. He had a special way of knowing when I needed the comfort of his presence - during those crazy late-adolescent years.
One day I got an invitation to take a wonderful new position in Chicago.
The apartment there did not allow pets.
I made the terrible decision to give Louis away . . . to a couple who lived on a farm and promised to love him forever.
Two years later a friend visited that farm and asked about my dear cat.
Louis had 'gone feral' they said. Last seen he was skinny, matted and wild-eyed. He trusted no human.
THAT WAS OVER 50 YEARS AGO! And everytime I think of that decision I feel guilty and sad.
The other guilts: like causing pain and heartbreak, the little and big lies, the deceptions, are worse, I suppose.
Maybe the huge heaviness of it comes from my upbringing in the archetypal field of heaven and hell. . .punishment and damnation. Apparently, one must confess these things?
Right now, just talking about these persistent guilts lightens the load a bit.
I am just human. Surely other people don't bear the burdens of their mistakes so heavily? Is it possible to let them go? OR, is it the mark of a human being to have a conscience that registers the pain one gives other creatures ?
I'M STILL WORKING ON IT.
Perfectly normal Dorothy! And also silly how we drag these things we can't repair around with us, like a yoke around our neck. It's a miracle we get anything done?
I have a similar story that still brings me guilt and pain. I try to shake it, but it's always just around the corner waiting.
I loved the part "He had a special way of knowing when I needed the comfort of his presence". So true. I always felt our animals try to pull out our pain, illness when they lay close. I don't have any pets now. I get my "dog-fix" when I am at my daughter's with the three grand-dogs. But, your words made me miss having a cat. And, I think I will do a blog about my two brother Siamese cats from years ago, Ping and Pong Long! Thanks Dorothy, for another great blog. More! ;o)
Posted by: jacki long | March 22, 2013 at 12:23 PM
Dear D,
I too have had to make painful animal sacrifices.
Those experiences led to adoptions of 2 kitties: Tan Tan & Mokihana.
My Hawaii kitties.
Tans lived to be 20. Moki 19. Both died within 3 months of each other (last year)and
Are buried under the Mimosa tree with prayer flags.
Perhaps Louis paved a way for you and your other soul animals?
Here's to Louis!🐱🍻
Posted by: Susan | March 22, 2013 at 06:00 PM