AUTHENTIC ADULT WOMAN

OPENING MY HEART

I'VE BEEN BUBBLING WITH ANTICIPATION for weeks now - waiting to learn what new phase I'm entering - or even what I have to give up. These milestones usually involve a some sacrifice and some hard inner work.  And sure enough, this initiatory work was required this time, too. 

I'm realizing that I sometimes withhold love when I'm afraid others will ask too much, or more than I'm willing to give  . . .  afraid I will 'run dry'.  And I sometimes resist giving wholeheartedly if I feel obligated to give.  

That resisistance is a block to wholehearted living.  I must surrender to the call of my soul and open my heart wider, without fear, but with discernment.

I think that's what this new phase is all about for me.  OPENING MY HEART.  As Brene Brown says:  "Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving -- even when it's hard . . .  Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."

OK . . . my blog is Authentic Adult Woman and I even gave a little talk on Authenticity at a retreat last week.   So I asked myself, "how can I be more authentic . . . more real . . . more true to my nature, my essence?"  I wanted to just BE ME, no airs, no withholding, just lots of trust.

I ended up loving the opportunity to share of myself, loving each of the lovely women at the retreat.  I led them in a collage experience where we chose, cut and pasted images which reflected our authentic selves.  The collages were woncerfully heartwarming and AUTHENTIC.

 I did this one for me, and I love it.

            

IT FEELS LIKE A NEW ADVENTURE . . . A MORE JOYFUL, PASSIONATE LIFE . . . TAKING RISKS IN ORDER TO BE TRUE TO MY NATURE,

MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

 

 

HIGH-RISK ADVENTURE!

I'm not much of a risk-taker, at least not physically . . . I don't do competitive things like sports or spelling bees.  But these days I take lots of INTERNAL RISKS like digging back into old journals to find out who on earth that young person was.  Who cares? you may ask.  No one, really - except my relentless inner researcher who wants to know just how I got to be this risk-taking old crone!

BUT there are serious SACRIFICES required before I can dig down thru' the decades of mud to find the sources of what turns out to be gold.  The biggest sacrifice is simple-sounding:

EMAIL . . . yep, I'm truly addicted to email. I take a quick look in the morning BEFORE breakfast.  Then I may not even take my walk if I get caught up in my wildly demanding INBOX!  There is always a health letter, or an Amazon order, a reservation, an invitation, or even a nice personal note  . . . all of which must be handled NOW.  No matter how hard I try I never finish these ridiculous OBLIGATIONS.

BUT all I really want to do is photograph my favorite SoulCollage cards, like these, below, and put them in a book along with words that describe what each of these images means to me, psychologically.

               

And, instead of feeling burdened by all the cr-p that lies buried in the tempting nooks and crannies of this old house, I want to DE-CLUTTER WITH A PURPOSE.  I know that amongst all the old lamps, and possible gifts, the out-of-date printers and tape recorders, the christmas wrappings - there are piles of PERSONAL JOURNALS.  Now THERE IS GOLD worth digging for.  I want to get all the other old stuff out of the way so I can re-discover these treasures.

And the PICTURES!  For decades I've thought I should 'clear my desk, my computer, my cupboards BEFORE I can have fun with photographs.  Now I think, 'what if I could have a little fun right now :) What a concept! 

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT'S TO LOSE by stopping in the middle of digging when I find some fab old pictures from days of yore . . . like this one taken 55 years ago when I was a Children's librarian in Seattle.

 

 

 

 

 

Or this one -  in front of the Matterhorn on a European tour with friend Sharon,1960!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now - take a big leap forward to 1978.  Here I am doing my doctorate and feeling

quite young again at 44 after 2 decades of heavy-duty professional stuff in Chicago

and Washington, D.C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 And here, teaching at UCLA in 1982 - looking  somewhat professorial, or perhaps a little smug?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't help myself.  I love finding these old treasures.  I don't KNOW  'these people' any more . . . can't imagine what they were thinking.  Maybe I'll look up the old journal entries from those days and figure it out.

There is a mysterious thread here that makes my life a wonderful mystery, and I'm intrigued.

OK . .  . IMMEDIATELY my alert critic says: "Why don't you live in the PRESENT now, during your golden years?  Why go back and ponder the past like a dear old soul in a nursing home?"

All I can say to my damn critic is:  "Get off my back, I'm having fun!" 

I AM PREGNANT!

I am FULL, pregnant with new life . . . I can feel it moving in me, in my heart!

The riches that nourish my unborn life come from words, images and music. 

IMAGES:  I took this picture of a favorite jug with our lillies and a piece of 'ancient' sculpture by Jean Attoe. These pieces sit on top of the poetry collection against the sky and the sea.

  

 

Here's a sculpture we call " Nostalgia" gazing wistfully toward the the ocean behind her.

WORDS: Pema Chodron says;  "Soften what is rigid in my heart and open what is closed in my mind."

 

My Nordic Rune says: "What you are striving to become in actuality is what you, by nature, already are. You must become conscious of your essence and bring it into form, express it in a creative way."

 

MUSIC always nourishes my soul:  Today an old friend sent me a CD of Schumann's gorgeous Andante cantabile. It is a love song, she says, and she wants to share it with people she loves, near and far!  I understand that lovely impulse, so I'll share it with you:

Download 07 Piano Quartet in E-Flat Major, Op. 47_ III. Andante cantabile

 

Years ago in Chicago I fell in love with a pianist who was playing Bach's Arioso - I pass it on to you!  Download 14 Bach_ Arioso

 

Cris Williamson in Song of the Soul sings: "Open my eyes that i may see visions of truth thou hast for me. Place in my hands the wonderful key that will unlock and set me free . . . Now you can sing and dance with her -

Download 05 Song Of The Soul

Then yesterday, walking on the ranch after many weeks of immobility - I found myself wildly conducting Sarah Brightman and some Leonard Cohen while listening on my iPod.  There was no one watching and my energetic shadow was displayed clearly on the road before me -  I saw my flawless fingers as they swept the orchestra to the heavens, pulled the violins in tenderly and hushed the drums . . .  My shadow looked so vital, powerful and passionate!

I love to conduct music  . . . Now I'd like to invite some friends over - put on some big symphonic music and let everybody conduct their hearts out!

 

         PERHAPS I'M MEANT TO CONDUCT THE MUSIC OF MY OWN LIFE

                           WITH A FULL VOICE AND AN OPEN HEART!