I know what you're thinking. You think I'm going to talk about the dysfunctional relationship I had with my mother. But, read on...
Who was my MOTHER, herself? I never really knew her. She rarely expressed anything but polite platitudes to the world and vigilant disapproval of me. I'm looking at old photos of her...imagining what it was like for her to marry a man twice her age, (she 22, he 44)...to lose her first baby, a son, and then a year later to almost die at my birth. Soon after, her oldish husband left his business in the city to be a missionary - in little towns in northern Canada. What enormous courage she had!
Other people thought she was pleasant and proper, even aristocratic. Looking back, I think she just sucked up her fears, her angers, and her sick migraines. Suddenly I feel sad for her...so gracious, so long-suffering, so uncomplaining - and feeling so shamefully unsuccessful at controlling me.
I was actually afraid of her...of her unspoken rage...of her condemnation of my unrepentent 'essence'. So its quite interesting to revisit her now that she's safely in the ground, or in Heaven, or?
Here's a collage of our little family under the eagle eye of the Patriarchy:
My father was a gentle Scot..who loved music, and poetry and storytelling...a bit of a dreamer. Mother followed him and served his interests without even one harsh or independent word.
I was her deep sorrow.
For her sake, I wish it could have been otherwise, But, to save my soul, I could not obey her constant admonitions - to be GOOD, to be quiet, to be someone else.
Her desperate need to fulfil the dictates of her time, her religion, and her preacher husband- unconsciously made her a formidable enemy of my growth as a separate person.
It was not her fault.
She died at 90 with a 'broken heart', believing that 'all was not well with my soul'. Although I believe now that she loved me, her stern expectations and disapproval built a wall thru' which love could not penetrate. We both lost something precious. I would like to tell her that I understand - and that I have traveled a long and fateful journey to myself...finding love, and joy - after all.
...stay tuned!
Keep posting Dorothy. Always, StillDancing
Posted by: Susan | October 16, 2011 at 08:27 PM
Hi dear Susan :) It make me happy and connected to think of you reading my blog. Are you still dancing...there in the beautiful woods?
Posted by: dorothy anderson | October 17, 2011 at 05:09 PM