AUTHENTIC ADULT WOMAN

UTTERLY LOVABLE YOU!

I am so peaceful and 'at home' with myself these days. But for decades I felt an underlying melancholy. On the outside I was lots of laughs and very independent, but on the inside I felt doomed to being unloved - in some sad and fated way.

Why couldn't someone love me deeply enough to fill the hole in my heart?  I kept trying to give my 'lonely child' away to others...asking them to take care of "her' and love her...but when they couldn't fill that emptiness, I would plunge down into my secret place of unlovable despair.  

I honestly don't know what changed, what healed me.  Grace, yes - and the blunt and generous love of Marion Woodman, and the love of my dear mate...and reading Jungian analyst Lyn Cowan's book, Portrait of the Blue Lady: The Character of Melancholy.  

These gifts - plus living with beloved animals, feeling the beauty of the world and seeing now how the pattern of my life has been woven through with riches...slowly brought me the miracle of a full heart.

I finally knew that the one person who could properly love and cherish my 'little girl' was me.

Now...almost every day is a day of love..love of nature, love of animals, love of wonderful friends.

LOVE: 'filling up, spilling over...an endless waterfall", as song writer Cris Williamson sings.

SO. If you've ever been lonely - even in the midst of loved ones, even during joyful events, even in moments of success...

If you feel that your heart has been abandoned -

...think about it 

Maybe you have abandoned your own heart...maybe you need to take time to cherish and hold and speak tenderly to that precious, unique, utterly lovable person - YOU!

 

MARY OLIVER

I heard Mary Oliver read her poetry last night.  In person! What simple brilliance!

The auditorium is packed.  We wait, almost breathless. Then tiny frail white-haired Mary steps to the lecturn, and declaims and challenges - in her deep rich cigarette voice -

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with 

 your one wild and precious life?" 

Will you pause to see beauty? Do you honor and cherish all living things?

Can you remember to "let the soft animal of your body love what it loves?

 

And here are her Three Instructions for living a life:

 

    "PAY ATTENTION

     BE ASTONISHED

     TELL ABOUT IT"

 

In her poem, Messenger, these words say it all:

"My work is loving the world"

MY MOTHER - HERSELF

I know what you're thinking.  You think I'm going to talk about the dysfunctional relationship I had with my mother. But, read on...

Who was my MOTHER, herself?  I never really knew her. She rarely expressed anything but polite platitudes to the world and vigilant disapproval of me. I'm looking at old photos of her...imagining what it was like for her to marry a man twice her age, (she 22, he 44)...to lose her first baby, a son, and then a year later to almost die at my birth. Soon after, her oldish husband left his business in the city to be a missionary - in little towns in northern Canada.  What enormous courage she had!

Other people thought she was pleasant and proper, even aristocratic. Looking back, I think she just sucked up her fears, her angers, and her sick migraines. Suddenly I feel sad for her...so gracious, so long-suffering, so uncomplaining - and feeling so shamefully unsuccessful at controlling me.

I was actually afraid of her...of her unspoken rage...of her condemnation of my unrepentent 'essence'.  So its quite interesting to revisit her now that she's safely in the ground, or in Heaven, or?

Here's a collage of our little family under the eagle eye of the Patriarchy:

My father was a gentle Scot..who loved music, and poetry and storytelling...a bit of a dreamer. Mother followed him and served his interests without even one harsh or independent word.

 

I was her deep sorrow.  

For her sake, I wish it could have been otherwise, But, to save my soul, I could not obey her constant admonitions - to be GOOD, to be quiet, to be someone else.

Her desperate need to fulfil the dictates of her time, her religion, and her preacher husband- unconsciously made her a formidable enemy of my growth as a separate person.

 

It was not her fault.

She died at 90 with a 'broken heart', believing that 'all was not well with my soul'. Although I believe now that she loved me, her stern expectations and disapproval built a wall thru' which love could not penetrate. We both lost something precious. I would like to tell her that I understand - and that I have traveled a long and fateful journey to myself...finding love, and joy - after all.

 

...stay tuned!

MY SECRET LIFE

High above the deep blue glittering ocean this morning, breathing the fresh scent of sage and new-mown hay, I wander along the sunlit ranch path.  I feel so good.  So privileged to live in this beautiful place.  I'm listening to my dear Leonard Cohen singing,

In My Secret life - swinging my arms to his grumbly rhythms - thinking about his words:

"I smile when I'm angry             But I know what is wrong

I cheat and lie                             And I know what is right

I do what I have to do                And I'd die for the truth

To get by...                                  In my secret life."

Leonard's words open me.

I take another enquiring look at my own secret life, MY SHADOW.  

By this time I know, theoretically, that 'nothing that is human is alien to me' ... and I've reclaimed many a projection, that is: I've realized that when someone REALLY upsets me, beyond provocation, that often means that she represents a 'shadow figure' for me.  Then, up pops an example:

 I remember my strong annoyance with  a friends' need to constantly judge and  control my driving.  MY driving!

 Surely she doesn't  mirror my own (very  occasional)  tendency to judge  and control?  

 No way. Not me.

 Damn.  It is SO  much easier and  more  satisfying to  see and judge the  annoying  characteristics of   others -  than to see  my own!

 But, as Leonard  says:

    I KNOW WHAT     IS WRONG

 

            AND I KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT

            AND I'D DIE FOR THE TRUTH

            In my secret life.

That's one of the treasures of being old -  I am more truthful about being me, owning my light AND my shadow.

Suffering, as Marion Woodman would say, "the agony of being human".  And seeking WHOLENESS, rather than perfection!

    

TODAY IS A HOLIDAY!

I don't take many holidays, even though I could.  Every day I get up to do email first thing, then breakfast (crunchy hi-fiber cereal, flax meal, walnut pieces, blueberries and skim milk), then maybe some exercise, more computer, call the plumber, the doctor, the tree guy, more computer, dash out to get groceries, mail a package, more computer, bills...etc. This routine can be interrupted by an occasional movie or lunch with friends...but it feels WRONG and irresponsible to take too much time away from "things that need to be done".

Easy, lazy, time seems like a luxury or a "sin". Meanwhile, my bodysoul longs to stroll-rather than push for brisk cardio walking, it longs to gaze out the window, rather than stare mindlessly at TV, it longs to turn over and sleep a little longer, wander along the beach and gather stones .....

My default attitude is:  The day is carved in stone. I must DO what I should do.

Attitude is so POWERFUL. It can open your mind. It can soften your heart. It can change your day!

Who knew?  Well - lots of enlightened folks probably practice adjusting their attitudes toward serenity every day. I, apparently, have to relearn it constantly.  

So this morning, as though it were a revelation, I realized that I could declare today a HOLIDAY!  Yes, today is a holiday. Immediately I sailed off into a lovely, unpredictable, organic day; a nice slow walk, stopping to take pictures, breathing and stretching in the warm/cool ocean air, chatting pleasantly under a purple umbrella at Lily's coffee shop, picking wild flowers, a nap...

 Imagine giving myself a holiday!  Maybe you already do this..but it was a new concept for old me. 

                No shoulds, no pressures, no guilt. Just a flow of soulful energy,

        like a blessing...